Is Cybersex Cheating?

Curious about Cybersex?

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From Anonymous
You're going to find as many different opinions about whether cybersex is cheating as you're going to find relationships. In my opinion, there's a yes answer and a no answer. Cybersex is cheating if you are involved, if you present yourself online as you would in real life, and if your cyber partner is presenting him/herself online as they would in real life. That is when the potential for real relationships can develop.

However, if you are a 45 year old man who logs on as a 19 year old woman... There may be other issues to deal with, but there is no way that a real honest relationship could develop. Its just good, clean, possibly harmless fun.

From Cindy
I'm a recent participant in cybersex. After having a couple of my stories posted on line, I began receiving e-mails from men who had read them. Most, I think, just wanted to pass on a compliment and I was very flattered. But several have taken the relationship further, chatting dirty and asking for my phone number so that they can hear me orgasm.

At first I was shocked and a little scare. But intrigued too. What would make these men want to talk dirty to me or hear me orgasm? I have four men I consider my cyberlovers and each is different. Each needs something different from me. At first, I wasn't sure how to handle this type of relationship but over time, I've learned that these men are missing something in their relationships with their real life partners...something they are able to get from me. I've grown to love each and consider it a privilege to be a part of their lives, no matter what the capacity.

I'm also married and do not consider what I'm doing to be adultery. We're all looking for something. These men can find what they need from me, knowing that I care about them and am not going to judge them in any way.

From Chris
Hi one and all. I think that the main point is being missed somehow. Adultery is not a tangible thing, it is a perception. If I decide to cyber with a girl, and I know my wife would be upset about it..then it is adulterous. If I know that she would not mind...then it is not adulterous. Isn't it really that simple?

From Odonata
Cyber sex can be an outlet for fantasies that you're not capable of doing with your partner; interactive pornography; a place to test erotic story idea's; a place to explore sexuality; a way to have a 'clean' affair.

My spin would be as someone in a happily monogamous relationship with my first and only sexual partner, it's a way for me to learn about what other people like sexually, so that I can expand my horizons in the sack, with real ideas from real sources. For me, filmed porn isn't all that inspiring if you're looking for legitimate ideas for fun, and you can't stop an erotic story and find out what the man really likes about getting head. If I type it out and it gets me hot, and the other person hot, chances are it'll work out in the real world too. The worst thing my partner has gotten from my cyber sex activities is a better blow job, anal sex and a wife that's more willing to talk about sex.

From LoSoD
I have had a problem with cybersex and it has almost ruined my marriage. It is amazing that she is still with me. We have been married 10 years and have three children, and our sex life is wonderful. I used to think that cybersex wasn't adultery because I never actually met the women I chatted with, and I have chatted with a lot of women. My wife found out about them and it is still a painful point between us. 

It is cheating though. If only because if your partner doesn't agree with it, and feels like you are betraying them, than you are. Nothing more be said. I regret it and am still trying to overcome the urge. I realize it is an addiction as bad as drugs or booze.

From Dark_Dreamer
I have been married to my husband for almost a year now. I think that cybering can become a form of cheating if it is taken too far. I also think that it can be a powerful tool in expressing fantasies one could not physically do so in real life. I look at cyber sex in the same light as porn.

For example, I know my husband is really interested in anal sex but I personally don't like it, I just can't enjoy it. So in turn he looks at porn to fulfill that fantasy. I don't really care for the idea that he is getting off by looking at other women, but I also admittedly cyber different guys regularly so I suppose we are even in that department.

Again, cybering for me is just an outlet for the sexual fantasies as is with my husband viewing porn. Of course I don't try to keep it secret from him though so it isn't like we are hiding anything from each other.

From Julia
I'd like to put forward a brand new light on this topic. I am asexual, that is, I don't find people sexually attractive. It has led to a very strained sexual relationship with my partner of 15 years - we do have sex, but I only do it because I love him. We have a 12 y/o daughter.

But, I do engage in cyber sex, in Second Life, but only in a role playing capacity. And I  do find that it turns me on, and then I use the  scenarios that I've role played to fantasise when I'm making love to my real life partner, to get me turned on enough to reach orgasm. He knows that I fantasize, though I never give him the details - I feel that to do so would destroy their effect. 

And he does now know that I cyber online, but he doesn't know that I fantasise being a guy making love to a young guy that I talk to online. I don't think that matters. I'm never  going to meet this young man, I don't know his real name, and he doesn't know mine, or know, (although he might guess) that I'm female and old enough to be his mother!

I guess I did feel guilty about the cybering while it was a secret from my partner, but now that he knows, its okay, so perhaps opening up makes it alright. I know that he cybers as well, and looks at porn and uses phone sex lines, but I'm okay with that as I know I don't give him what he needs.

From Sam
It's a yes! But having said that, there are so many pluses about it which makes it safer than physical stuff. Number one, you can stop at any point. You sometimes don't really have any idea who you are chatting with. It could be a guy for all you know. I don't advocate meeting.

Cybering can be addictive. I have gone through all of the phases and brought it to a level which is just like social drinking. I do it consciously and controlled. Maybe an hour a week. It is stimulating and exotic and with the right partner you can have loads of fun.

But it is cheating, I guess. But for guys who are horny all the time and the lady isn't, and if you don't want to cheat physically, cybersex could be a safer alternative.

From Addicted
For the past 10 years I have been in a cyber relationship with the same man. I am married (27 years), he is married (33 years), neither one of us have any plans of meeting or getting together but we both enjoy the cyber relationship we have created. Yes we both agree that cyber sex is adultery and yet we have not stopped.

Our spouses are not aware that this is going on although we both spend time online daily. Although having an emotional tie with this man and still sexually cybering him, I know that he is just my online lover not my husband. I am not confused about what is going on. We often discuss our affair and how we wouldn't want our spouses to ever find this out. And when its over it will be just that—Over.

We both are highly sexual people and we enjoy pleasing one another often. Pressure for it to become more is never present because we had set rules and boundaries way before it became serious. Our home lives is often discussed but never open for criticism. We both realize that this is our personal lust, it has nothing to do with our spouses not being there for us. We both agree that we are truly with our soul mates and that they are and always will be the Loves of our lives.

Our sex lives have always been good at home. Cybering is just an addition to sex that we share without going out and getting in a physical relationship that would require more than sitting at home at our desk. We don't cam because it's too personal but our imagination is off the chart. We have exchanged photos and cybered by phone a lot. Have we ever thought about quitting? Yes we have. We have jealousies about others on line and we have disagreements but one thing that we never disagree about is that home and our spouses always comes first.

From BoldNSaucy
I was in a four year relationship with lots of sex, role- playing, & toys. However, my boyfriend would STILL get curious about other women online & begin straying. He said it was the excitement of flirting, that it would never go any further. Well, it was all lies. I found out that he was going to have one woman come over to MY home and have sex. Then, I was going to be told she was just a classmate from his college. He once drove to Alabama, in MY car, from Tennessee to meet a woman he met online.

Now, I do understand his intent was there from the beginning. But, the internet gave him easy access to women. I have been on the other side of the coin when it came to cybersex. I was the partner with the the question, 'Why are you doing this?' He made me feel as if something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough. Whenever he wanted to try something different or what was considered 'bold, all he had to do was ask.

I guess my point is it may seem innocent at first, but, cybersex and phone-sex can be the first steps to intent. Think about it - when you're having cybersex or phone sex, you're thinking of having sex with THAT person. I know because I've had both myself - very single at the time. Some people may have the control to keep it online or only on the phone. And, if the partner or spouse is okay with it, more power to you. Just be sure because these 'harmless' flirtations online / phone can damage the partner's self-esteem and the relationship.

From nlj
Cybering your real life partner can be fantastic. People will often admit things online that they won't elsewhere and this can lead to all sorts of fun stuff.

From Gordon
Well, I suppose this could be a toughie to answer. After all, it only happens in the mind, right (?) The problem is, that you end up investing a lot of time and thought into fulfilling your cyber relationship and I know, (I'd be the first to admit it), from personal experience, it can be very satisfying. My marriage, basically, fell apart and after a few months of my wife walking out, I struck up a 'cyber' relationship with a younger woman and I THOROUGHLY enjoy it.

Ok, the sex is fanciful and exotic, etc, etc, indeed, it might be the best sex you've ever had, indeed, it probably will be. But, if you are already married or in a long term relationship, what the hell are you doing playing away from home? Is it adultery? Yes, it is. There's no other way to describe it.

You could get your fingers burnt, badly, without really trying. It can be VERY dangerous, a lot of people out there seem to just want to fuck with your head. The bottom line is that you take a REAL emotional risk online, when you first start, so be warned, it's not all hearts and flowers.

So, don't kid yourself, that...'it's only in cyber, it's not real' because it IS real, every time you log on and, if you can invest that 'emotional' time with another cyber person, then your real partner is losing out on YOU. Sorry, but just because it's cyber, doesn't mean it's not real. you must take responsibility for your actions, whether real world or cyber.

From AndHobbes39
This is a very tricky issue. And until I got into a relationship I would have quite easily said "no, it's not cheating; it's just another form of pronagraphic release". But my boyfriend loves cybersex - he doesn't engage in it instead of sex with me, but as well as. My feelings are mixed because I don't like the idea that he's getting sexual stimulation from pretending to have sex of any sort with anyone else. It makes me feel inadequate, that he needs this outlet because what I can provide doesn't fulfill him. But I know he will deny that. Our sex life together is amazing - I know that for a fact. It's just that I don't share his passion for cybersex.

I'm sure that if I did, I wouldn't be at all worried about it. But it remains that I am concerned. It undermines my self-confidence, but I can't decide if it's because what he's doing is inherently wrong, or simply because I choose not to embrace it. On a purely intellectual level, I cannot fault his behavious and I would even argue in his favour. But emotionally, personally, it is something else entirely. Am I alone in my confusion?

From Anonymous
Sure, cybersex is cheating. I use it as a much more convenient substitute for three-dimensional cheating. My wife of many years has discontinued sex and I am uncomfortable with no sexual activity. I won't discuss her reason but I accept it though I believe her premise is mistaken. Cybersex is helpful to my imagination and my sexual appetite. I am in what has turned out to be a loving cybersex relationship with a much younger (single) professional woman (whom I will never meet in the flesh), though we conduct it by email exchanges, not chat per se. Neither of us expects to consummate this relationship physically, but it contributes something of value to both of us. I regret cheating, but I am not ready to hang up my libido.

From Simone
Cybersex isn't adultery - any more than having a sexual fantasy is, or reading (or writing) an erotic story, or watching pornography. All it is is an outlet for a person to enjoy their sexuality. Adultery, on the other hand, is forming an amorous relationship with another person when you've told your partner that you wouldn't - and that really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you are engaging in any form of sexual activity with that other person.

I think it is a major mistake to tie sexuality to love so strongly that we say "if you are faithful to me, if we are monogamous, then all of your sexual feelings must be about me and me alone." I think that idea does a great deal of damage in society in terms of people's relationships, and also to the self esteem for many folks. Unfortunately, adultery is all about the nuances, and that's hard to draw a definition around. So I don't think this tie will be broken any time soon, but oh, how I wish it would be.

From Yesiam
OK.. no and yes. I am married and have had cyber sex with no guilt many times. It never occurred to me that I was cheating or being adulterous. I suppose it is up to the person having the sex.. in cyber space.. to decide.. is this pushing out my SO? is this lessening our lives together? If the answer is yes.. then .. gee I guess you should not do it. It is a fine line.. and I am not going to define it for anyone else! Good luck.. all you cyber space cadets!

From Lori
I would have to agree that if you have a partner, or significant other, it is cheating. However, it can be beneficial to that real relationship. It can put a spark back into real sex. Or, it may help lead you to make a life changing decision, you would not have made otherwise.

Speaking personally, when my spouse and I began to have real life problems that affected our sex life, I found myself drawn to a man online. We did have an online affair, which caused me to realize that technically, my marriage was over, and it was time to take the proper actions. While we divorced and are both much happier, it would have taken me much longer to come to that decision and act upon it. While the online affair spurred that choice, I didn't leave my husband for the man online. My online lover and I do continue to have a friendly relationship, it has not turned real.

On the other hand, a very close friend, actually found her online affair put the spark back into her real life love life. Her online affair is over, but she has never been happier or more satisfied sexually at home.

From Colleen
This topic is not so black and white as all of you seem to think. I (and at least one of my cyber lovers) am married for the sake of my kid. DH is a very nice guy, but we are not a perfect match sexually. I am much more of a thrill-seeker, variety-loving person, and he is more of a vanilla-sex guy. But here we are, what can we do? We have spent the better part of our marriage at each other's throats, each trying to get the other to conform to his or her way of thinking, and it is not going to happen. We were making each other miserable. My cyber affairs allow me to be adventurous, wild, even slutty, if only in my mind. They let me explore my fantasies and aspects of my sexuality that make my husband very uncomfortable. They satisfy my need for variety and thrill seeking. They make it easier for me to be what my husband wants me to be for him, without feeling as if I am suffocating myself. In short, my cyber-lovers have taken the pressure off my husband and me to be people we are not.

My husband knows I talk to other men on line, but he does not know the details. I think he suspects, but does not want to know for sure. That's OK by me, because I am not keen on telling him things about my fantasy life that I know will only drop me down a notch in his estimation. I an not neglecting my family, spending money on a sitter, or putting myself at risk from disease or lunatics. Do I call this cheating? No, I don't think so. I am saving myself and my husband a lot of grief. Would I have to resort to this if I was in a perfect relationship? No, of course not. But for me, and for some of my lovers, it works. It's a balancing act, the lesser of two evils. It is not tearing my marriage apart, it enables me to remain in it, without losing my self. And it works for now.

From Anon
I found a copy of a cybersex transcript my wife of 12 years had kept. It gutted me and has definitely had adverse effects on our marriage over the 3 month period since I discovered it. No amount of psychoanalysis will heal the pain. I have now decided to divorce her. My wife is about to lose everything and will lead a very poor quality life when the divorce comes through. In one part of the transcript (the "post coital small talk") she told the guy that she "will remember it forever". Somehow, it was a prophetic statement, but I guess that she will now be remembering it forever for all the wrong reasons. Is it not strange how the old saying "What goes around comes around" is so true? The person who will suffer most will be our 7 year old son. Who is going to explain to him what has happened? To those guys out there who do this sort of thing - well done! You have ruined a perfectly good marriage and at least 2 lives.

From Jason
My wife and I have been married for almost two years. We have a beautiful child together. Our relationship has been up and down since the start. Despite our difficulties, we decided to get married because we were both committed to working things out. One of the issues we've been dealing with is her need for attention. Among other things, this need brings her to the internet to form online relationships. I have told her several times that this makes me feel very uncomfortable and that she does not value our relationship. She responds by saying that she is bored at home during the day (one would think an 18-month-old would keep her plenty occupied) and that I shouldn't be upset because it is not physical.

Lately, I found out that her online relationships are in-fact romantic. I discovered this by posing on a chat room as a man from Illinois. She has already expressed interest in meeting and in a physical relationship with my alter-ego. So if you ask me if I think cyber-sex is adultery, then I must say this: When I found out that she was seeing other men, even though she was not with them physically, it hurt every bit as much if not more than when she had cheated on me physically. When I found out that she had an interest in meeting at least one of these men, I knew that what she was doing was not faithful and may mark the end of our relationship. What hurts worse, is that I fear she neglects our daughter when she is online with these men.

From Zoey
HA! (MOST OF) YOU people make me LAUGH! You out there in cyber-land who pose the question, "Is cyber-sex cheating?" -- why are you asking the public? What a joke! Think about it for a minute: The reason you are asking strangers, is because you are afraid to do the responsible thing and ask the ONE person (and ONLY person) who's business it is: your partner.

From Anonymous
ANY activity you feel you have to hide from your partner is cheating, whether it's cybersex or a separate bank account. When you are open and honest, sex is never "cheating", Cyber or not as long as ALL parties feel the same.  Of course not too many people can deal with this freedom and that's when the problems start, especially if the other person's partner is the jealous, possessive type.

In the end, we are all human beings with emotions and feelings that go way beyond simple e-mail, and when the relationship, real or not, ends, it most always ends badly.

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