Faking It

Why the deception?

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From Ravenwoman
I have never faked it. I sort of resent the widely disseminated stereotype that most or all women do. Maybe many or even most do from time to time, but I have not. No judgment on those who do, just my personal experience and preference.

I do not come from penetration or intercourse alone, as much as I love, love, love it, I am a clitoral gal when it comes to orgasm, though I have come close a few times, but it is a different sensation, still fantastic, but not the same degree of release. I must have some clit and/or nipple stimulation during intercourse to come (and it has only been within the last year or so that we have been exploring that; for 20 yrs he made me come first then we fucked...or, we both got off from oral, also fantastic...was always my dream to come with him inside me, I think that is a "myth" of sorts; the whole simultaneous orgasm from intercourse alone, at least it is a myth for many women, and can make them feel inadequate if they can't do it, and now I have, but only with the proper stimulation, and it was great for both of us, but I digress)

One, I consider it dishonest and I do not want to lie to my lover. Two, why on earth would I lie and deny myself the satisfaction I want and need rather than tell him what to do to bring me off? Self-defeating, in my opinion.

I will and have told him to stop trying when I realized it was simply not going to happen that time, no matter what. (If I feel it will, but he is not doing what I need for it to, I will communicate that, as well, but sometimes I just don't come, even from the best, most prolonged oral; stress or a bit too much to drink that night or tired, no matter how horny I am)

I can understand the experience of just wanting it to be over and not wanting to hurt the man's feelings. That would be a tough call. If you don't have the degree of communication and mutual trust and security to be able to tell him and assure him it is ok and then let him "get his", I can see the temptation to fake it. I just don't feel that's a sound basis for any potential future intimacy.

From Misha
I haven't been with that many women, so I don't know how they all react at the point of climax. I was checking out the Beautiful Agony site a while ago and was completely surprised by the amount of people that I could not tell from their face/voices/whatever part is visible that they'd actually come.  They just powered down and that was it. I had to rewind and I still couldn't really tell.  So I figured that people are so completely different that way, that it may be possible.

Me, there are things that happen that I cannot physically do at any other time except when I climax.  My legs tend to shudder at a speed that is impossible to do on purpose, and while I do Kegels constantly, I can't do them as fast as they happen during orgasm.  Also, there's this spot - and I’ m not sure if it's the g-spot or not, because mine seems to be located on the opposite wall - it grows bigger and throbs at the moment right before climaxing. I can feel it and my partner can surely feel it.

From Claire
I once faked it during phone sex. Sadly though, the phone sex was incredible and I would have given anything to have been able to give myself the extra little push over the edge, but my environmental circumstances weren't permitting. It was a friend of mine who has since become my 'phone buddy.' he's absolutely astounding with words and I felt bad for having faked it with him considering it was his first time having phone sex. 

But afterwards I looked on the bright side -- I was popping his phone cherry...so it's good that he got off. I haven't faked it with him since though. And I don't have the heart to tell him I faked it the first time. I joked that I had once and he said "yeah right, your not that good an actress." oh well!

From Doug
As I ride the energy of the woman's orgasmic wave, it is very obvious if missing, no matter what her vocalizations. And involuntary movements can't be duplicated with voluntary movements for anybody who observes well. Kegels just are not the same as the contractions. I've never had a woman fake it that I know of, but I have very limited experience. 

My wife of many years thought it pointless to mislead me and learned how to orgasm much more easily with time. My girlfriend has been wildly orgasmic from the beginning. If I were just learning about a new partner I would much prefer honest reactions. My ego isn't dependent upon either of us having an orgasm.

From Jen 
I put pressure on myself, I think.  If a guy is eating me out, or doing something to pleasure me, I feel like, is he bored?  Is he tired?  Is he thinking, “Come already!”  And then I can't really get into it.  I've faked it to get it over with and to make the guy feel good, but the truth is, I don't think it's the right thing to do, and it's not fair to either of us. We both lose out.  But I feel inadequate because I can't get it out of my head that he's frustrated by how long it's taking me.

From Jayne
I fake orgasms often. I also have them regularly, so I don't have a problem. Even when I don't have an orgasm, I love sex and experience a great deal of pleasure and do not feel shorted by not having one. I guess I've been lucky that all but one of my lovers have always been just as much interested in getting me off as themselves, so I fake them because I want to make them feel adequate as lovers. It has nothing to do with them not touching me right or me being inhibited about telling them what I want. Sometimes it just doesn't happen for me.

I will say that I would never fake an orgasm if somebody was giving me bad sex or if I wasn't enjoying it. For me, faking it is not so much about stroking the guy's ego as much as it is another form of giving him pleasure, especially because he gets so much pleasure from thinking I'm coming. I know men don't know I'm faking because throughout sex I continue to get wet and sometimes gush, which is an effect of a real orgasm. So when the man feels that in addition to my moans and the physical manipulation of my body, he completely believes I've had an orgasm.

Sometimes men will even think I've had one when I haven't, even when I didn't fake it. When men feel that rush of wetness, they sometimes mistake it for an orgasm.

From Beth
I also have faked once, when I was young and stupid.  The psychological result was devastating.  Not only did my boyfriend think he had me all figured out (he didn't), I never felt like I could go back on that lie and it just sat there, ugly between the two of us.  Blech.  I get all goosebumpy and gross just thinking of it.

I vowed never to do that to myself again.  If a lover is pressuring me I just say, "I can't, we have to stop, give me a minute or two."  Usually, resetting my mind is enough, or else I just tell him or her I can't and we decide what to do next.  There's lots more fun to be had.

From Jen
I've been stupid, too, and I still might be.  While I haven't had sex in over six years, when I did, I wouldn't tell my guy if he was chafing me, which happened a lot.  I don't know if it's just some skin problem I have, although I can masturbate and not chafe myself, but I worry about hurting the guy's feelings.  Considering how irritating chafing is, you'd think I would say something.  I would later go put lotion on or something.  And when I've tried to tell guys what I like, they still don't get the right way. 

One of my biggest bitches (and I saw this mentioned in a past article of BUST magazine, so I'm not the only one) is, you tell the guy he's doing it right, and when your arousal increases and you approach climax, he goes faster and more vigorously.  I will tell the guy, "Don't change it, just keep the motion the same and let me come!" because I lose it when the motion changes, but he still doesn't get it, and does the same thing.  I feel like guys think I'm nagging or being a bitch because I'm trying to teach/show them what I like, but what am I supposed to do if they don't get it?

From Misha
I have a question.  Are guys really faked out by "faking it?"  I know that once someone has seen me come once, they would never believe any faking I could attempt.  It's impossible to simulate that uncontrollable trembling in my thighs or the spasming of the kitty kat.  It can't be done.  I could possibly make it "look" convincing, but it wouldn't feel convincing at all.

From Pat
I don't think I could fake convincingly either, if I wanted to. If there are fingers or a cock inside me, they'll feel the contractions of my vagina. Otherwise, there's the ejaculation that gives it away. You can't fake that.

From Amanda
My husband claimed he could always tell when a woman faked an orgasm. Once with my husband and another lover, I did a DP (double penetration). The lover was in my cunt, my husband was in my ass. It was a great experience but there's no way I was going to come and the 25-year old lover wasn't going to either, unless I did, so I faked. Neither of them knew. Afterward, I told my husband and he was very surprised. I don't fake with my husband, because there's no need, but I've done it many men and they don't know it, never could know it. It's easy to make your cunt spasm (use your kegel muscles) to draw them in. I’m always very moist, so it seems like cum to them. One guy told me cunt lips get cold during orgasm, so that's how he knew I had an orgasm. Yeah right.

From Jen
I must wholeheartedly disagree with the idea that a man can tell when a woman’s faking it.  I'm not saying there aren't some men who can tell, but I assure you, many men cannot.  When I confessed to one boyfriend I had faked it, he growled at me and said, "You're a liar!  You're a liar!"  Later on, when we'd gotten back together, after having sex he sarcastically commented, "Faking it, hah!"  Some men's egos can't take it.

From Dorothy
Amanda said:  My husband claimed he could always tell when a woman faked an orgasm.

Reminds me of the line from “When Harry Met Sally,” about how men always say they can tell and that women don't with them, and women say they've all done it. "So you do the math."

My husband once asked me if I had ever faked it with him. I immediately said no. He walked out of the room wearing a big shit-eating grin. And slowly returned a few minutes later. "Damn, woman," he said. "You're good."

From Cervo
Men are not nearly as stupid as they seem.  They can tell if you come just as you can tell if they do. I think many say nothing because they feel they have failed.  You may too, or you may not have been interested in coming just then so much as the prolonged sensation of whatever you were doing.  It would be much nicer to say that than to fake an orgasm.  It leaves hurt feelings, unhappy uncertainty and a sense of being somehow oddly duped.

From Dorothy
Dear, dear Cervo, how can men tell? Not all women spurt when they climax. Not all women have the kind of clenching muscle spasms we here are so fond of writing about. Trust me, darlin', faking it can be quite easy for many of us.

From Cervo
Now Dorothy, you are making the customary female error of assuming that men are incapable of sympathy, empathy, or sensitivity.  One grows weary of that after fifty years of it.  Sex is not about spurting and clenching.

What happens is that you can feel it as a presence, or the lack of one ­ in the energy in her body. It is a wave that did not crest.  You need no more symptoms than that.  It may go unsaid, but it is not very hard to tell.

Of course there are stupid, gross, selfish men in about the same number as there stupid, egocentric, ruthless women.  I doubt they detect much about the condition of their lovers except as it suits them.  A knothole or a broom would do as well.

From Dorothy
There are very good reasons sometimes for faking it that have nothing to do with lack of sensitivity. I'm not talking about my youthful, ignorant days, when it was getting boring, and I didn't have the words or the nerve to tell some bozo that he wasn't doing it for me and to please get off. I'm talking about the occasional love-making session with a good, sensitive man that was over for me was well as for him. A man who would ignore his own languorous after-glow in an attempt to get me to a place where I just wasn't going to go. I've climaxed enough to know how to fake having done it again, well enough to satisfy a man that I've really gotten there without actually doing it. And if he is wise enough not to ask, what's the harm?

Of course, the best of all possible worlds is to be in a relationship with someone who is strong enough in his self-worth to know that I don't have to always get mine, who knows that he's done his best and that I'm perfectly content with what I did get. And who knows that there's always tomorrow. Or later tonight.

And who knows that, if we were ever keeping score, it would take the rest of our lives together for him to ever catch up, score-wise.

From Mikado
The difference is that it is almost impossible for a man to successfully 'fake' an orgasm - if there is no physical evidence. All men produce some quantity of ejaculate upon climaxing, whereas it is quite rare for a woman to ejaculate. It does happen, and on the only two occasions i have experienced it it is quite an awesome experience - you are the daddy! Basically because of this difference, women can successfully fake, should they wish to do so. For men it is vastly more difficult.

Not a single female friend of mine has been able to categorically swear that she has never faked an orgasm. Those that admit they have don't think that they should have to apologize for doing so. Many say that if they don't feel that they are in the mood to come (themselves), but they want to give their man his pleasure. They are still enjoying the 'fucking' sensation, they just aren't expecting the climax. If that is not going to happen and their experience has been that the man might just be being gentlemanly, holding-off coming until she has. 

Remember, if she comes first she can enjoy that for what it is, and still carry on until he is 'there'. It is not so the other way round. Most men find it uncomfortable, and sometimes quite painful to continue after they have climaxed. The male desire for the woman is not necessarily that she has to come before him, but unless he really doesn't care or is one of that (thankfully!) dying-breed "mcp", he is basically just conscious of the fact that  I.) before, or ii.) at the same time, are the man's preferred options. For women there is the third option: after.

The problem here is also male machismo. Unless there are outside factors, and while a timing cannot ever be guaranteed, the man is most likely to climax at some point. That is his objective once he has entered the woman. For women it is different.  The female orgasm can be painfully elusive, and its achievability is never certain!

Finally, and just as relevant, even if done for all the right reasons, if a woman fakes an orgasm and it come to light until much later, it can dent the male pride. Why didn't you tell me at the time? What message does this send people? That I cannot satisfy you?!

Help would be greatly welcomed.

[Open and honest communication with your partners is a must. I know it's hard at this point, but it'll be worth it in the long run. I strongly suggest you contact www.sfsi.org for information]

From Rich
This is of interest to me since I have experienced women who had difficulty in attaining orgasm.  The funny thing is when my wife was sexually active she always was orgasmic and I believe she was not faking it to soothe my male ego either.  However now that I’ve had other women lovers who say they are unable to attain orgasm, it doesn’t ruin my frail male psyche, but I so like to return the gift they give me.  Is it because I’m an older male and the ladies are older/post-menopausal?  I consider myself a caring and giving lover.  I usually orgasm with my lovers but have had lovemaking sessions where neither of us attained orgasm.  I can hold mine back pretty well and truly need not attain it to feel that a session was successful or not.  To me the intimacy and closeness is much more important than the attainment of orgasm.  However it is a gift I would love to give to a woman.

From Pat
Bless you and all men like you, Rich. 

Just responding to your pondering about whether being older affects the ability to orgasm for either sex. In my case, being older helped me finally get there.  I was 40 before I started having orgasms during sex with a partner.  I've heard similar stories from other women. Ironically, the lovers I started having orgasms with, and most since, were younger than me. I would guess that, in general, it's more typical that being a little older can be on a woman's side when it comes to learning to come.

From Volponia
Rich, I'm not sure being post-menopausal has anything physical to do with it, unless there is a lack of lubrication, natural or augmented, making intercourse painful.  I'm post-menopausal (thank God!), and am just as passionate as ever, if not more so.  But then, I have no shortage of natural lubricant either, so perhaps I am just atypical.

From Carolyn
I think faking orgasm is selfish and cruel, to both yourself and your lover. I know some women seem to think they're doing their man a "favor" by faking orgasm, but they're really not.

First of all, just think how crushed your man would be if he found/figured out the truth. Don't you think he would be upset? Don't you think he'd have rather been told the truth by you (whether it was "It's just not gonna happen tonight, but I enjoyed it anyway" or "It's not ever gonna happen if you don't change what you're doing") rather than having you just pretend you had fun so that he can finish and get off of you? Contrary to popular belief, not all men are selfish and self-absorbed; many of them actually do enjoy getting a woman off (some even prefer her orgasm to their own!) and would want to be told what they can do to help achieve this. Faking your orgasm not only robs him of this sense of pleasure and accomplishment, it instills a falsehood into him that will hurt if discovered.

Secondly, don't you deserve to have open and honest communication with your partner? If you're faking orgasms, you're lying to them, about the most intimate act two people can share. Plus, no matter how selfless your motives presumably are, eventually you are going to resent "having to" fake orgasms with your lover (even though it was your choice to do so!) and these feelings of resentment will spill over into other aspects of your relationship, possibly irreparably. And what happens when he finds or figures out that you've been faking? Don't you think that would have a negative impact on your relationship as well?

Thirdly, don't you deserve to have orgasms? With the exception of a small minority of women (those with severe physical or emotional difficulties), most women can have an orgasm; it's just that they might not have learned how to! Wouldn't it be nice to be able to experience such pleasure, and share it with your lover, instead of lying to him about it? And if you need him to do something a bit differently, or yo do something else entirely, or if you need some battery-operated assistance? That's ok! You still deserve to have orgasms, and a worthwhile lover will want to help you achieve them.

I personally don't usually need a sex toy to orgasm, but it's a lot of fun to use them anyway, and most men have absolutely loved using my toys on me! And I've never once encountered a man who didn't want to be taught what felt and worked best for me; on the contrary, all were eager to ensure I was having the maximum amount of pleasure possible! And really, any man who does have a problem with your needing something different in your sexual routine (whether it's more foreplay or a different style of oral or using a vibrator on your clitoris), isn't worth being with anyway.

Fourthly, what happens when you move on from this man and he goes out into the world and sleeps with other women? (I mean, let's face it, nearly all relationships break up eventually, so it's highly unlikely that you will be the last woman your man has sex with.) So here's this guy who thinks he's a great lover (cuz he's always made you come, hasn't he?) strutting around, and meanwhile, he's actually a terrible lover, or at best just not knowledgeable enough, and now some unfortunate new woman gets stuck with this man who doesn't know how to get her off! There's been more than one guy I've had to give the unfortunate truth to: "Sorry, dude, but your woman was obviously faking it, cuz you just ain't that good!" And I'm not referring to merely differences in what gets a woman off (faster vs slower, deep vs shallow, etc), as these men can be easily retrained; I'm referring to men who wholeheartedly believe that they are good lovers, and are then absolutely crushed when they discover the truth!

Frankly, it's selfish of you fakers to not properly educate your man, and instead send him out into the world all clueless and untalented! As women, we have a responsibility to teach the people in our lives ways to improve their, and others', lives: whether it's teaching your toddler proper manners, or helping your teenager pass their driving test, or educating your boyfriend on female anatomy and sexual response, you have a moral responsibility to the rest of society to ensure proper functioning on their parts! (no pun intended)

Women, please, I beg you: STOP FAKING ORGASMS! Your relationships will be better for it, I assure you. And that'll make everyone pleased!

From Moon
I love my husband very much. We have been married eight years I have come maybe three or four times during intercourse. Other then that I have to put pressure on my clit to be able to come. I haven't told him and I'm scared. He performs perfectly it's wonderful. I just don't know how to tell him without him feeling bad. Help me please.

[We suggest you try something simple, and truthful: tell him it feels wonderful if he puts pressure on your clit just like this, then show him. And please keep in mind that most women can't climax by intercourse alone. They need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.]

From Monica
I agree with Jen's comments on wondering if the guy is getting tired/frustrated. [see Jan's entry below] I recently read the books by Ian Kerner called She Comes First and He Comes Next, and in the first one, he explains the anxieties that women feel while receiving oral sex and how a guy can help alleviate those feelings and allow her to relax and get into it, and ultimately orgasm. 

I'm 43 and have never had an orgasm with a guy, only during masturbation. And since I started using a vibrator on my clit, just using my hand/fingers doesn't get me there anymore.

I enjoy the intimacy of intercourse and don't need to orgasm to enjoy it, but I'd love to be able to relax and then climax. Just hasn't happened yet.

From Selene
I could never fake it because if my husband found out that I lied it'd hurt him more than the fact that he couldn't get me to come. He hasn't made it happen yet, I get so ridiculously sensitive that I can't bear to continue, but we're getting there. It's just about him learning my body. 

I told him that I would never fake it, I refuse to ever lie to him. I love him too much, and lying to him doesn't really help me, because then he'll do what he thinks works and I'll never enjoy the satisfaction of coming with my wonderful husband. He's my first sexual partner and he turns me on mentally and physically, but since I've never had an orgasm with another person in the room I think it's a mental block. 

But I reiterate, I will never lie to him and fake an orgasm. Instead of harping afterwards on the fact that he didn't make me come (which he gets very sensitive about...he wants nothing more than to please me) I tell him what I enjoyed, what he did that drove me wild and then I give him pointers. I stroke his ego without lying to him. It's the best way.

From Sally
Anonymous [see entry below], there is no standard of 'normal' when it comes to sexuality. Whatever works for you is good. Don't let issues of what is normal, or what is not, spoil your sexual enjoyment. 

I'm assuming intercourse, etc, is not uncomfortable for you, and if that's true, then why not just relax and enjoy the play, and when you're ready simply apply pressure and bring yourself off. I'm sure your partner will have no objections, and if he (or she) does, it's probably best to explain how things work for you. If they're still uncomfortable with it, well then you just don't need such a narrow-minded person in your life.

From Anonymous
I have a question. I can only climax when I use my hand to apply pressure on my clit over my pussy lips. I cannot climax when I intercourse / being eaten out. Am I normal? Plus I do not have orgasm when I use a vibrator / put a dildo inside me. Am I normal?

From Amber
I believe at times it is essential to fake an orgasm. I have had lovers who try and try and it just doesn't happen. So I fake it and they walk around the house with this king of the world attitude for the rest of the day. For me my mind as well as my body has to be stimulated, and if that doesn't happen, it's just easier to say "Yes dear, I did come."

From Marilyn
I do not fake it. My boyfriend was very inexperienced when we started dating, and I got him a book about how to give oral sex. (The only way I can come during sex is to use a vibrator or touch myself.) He studied that book, and I could tell. He did things no one had ever done for me before. He hasn't made it yet, but he is so close. The only thing we are working on is how to "get me over the edge." When he finally does it, he will feel like the king of the world. 

I can't fake it and feel like I am in a real relationship with someone. That's a huge lie. I can't say it's been easy on his ego because he would get very disappointed and discouraged, but I have never said anything but positive comments and tried to give him feedback of what I liked.

From Mindy
The only time I feel pressure to fake it is with my hubby. He tries so hard and really is a fantastic lover, but he can't ever get me to that point. Sometimes I feel bad when I fake it for him, but I know he tries so hard so I just let him think I am on top of the world. 

However, when I travel for work, I meet some great guys who can get it done. The last three times I have travelled, I have met men who can get me to come and two of those were with penetration. I think those just come from the thrill of it!

From Jakki
I've only recently become sexually active and it's nothing like I've ever experienced before. I'm really let-down. I always heard sex was the best thing ever and oral sex was amazing too. But, for me, it's just... not. I don't know. Maybe its all in my mind. When my boyfriends going down on me I try really hard to enjoy it, but for some reason it just doesn't feel... good. It doesn't feel bad of course, but it's nothing special. It's not just sex and oral either. He can't get me off with his fingers, and I can't use my fingers to get myself off either. 

I use a vibrator or dildo, which is apparently the only way to reach orgasm. It's so upsetting. Any suggestions? I'm open to anything...

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